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Dean's Daze
deanthepoet09@yahoo.com - Volume IX, Issue III - 16 May 06
The alleged Jack Bauer Interview
(formerly known as Kiefer sutherland)
Getting
this interview with Jack Bauer of “24” fame was quite harrowing. Through a
series of secret contacts, meetings, and promising Chloe O’Brien a state of
the art laptop to rule the world, she put me in contact with Jack Bauer. She
promised that if I did anything remotely resembling a hatchet job interview on
Jack that she would personally hunt me down and beat me like a dog with her
furtive looks and sarcastic wit. Under the cloak of night (where else would
you find Jack Bauer) we rendezvous as he’s doing surveillance on another
terrorist who is a threat to the safety of the world (go figure). We meet
outside of CTU. He comes careening around the corner in his black Jeep Cherokee
and yells for me to get in. Everything always seems urgent with this guy. I make
a mental note to myself to ask him about that before jumping into the Jeep and
speeding away.
“So,
what the fuck do you want to interview me about? I don’t have all day. There
are things happening right now that you have no idea about so make it quick.”
He scowls letting me know that I’m insignificant and a waste of time so I
better make it quick before he Bauerizes my ass. I smile at getting the Jack
Bauer scowl of disapproval. I’m temporarily thrown by being in the same air
that Jack Bauer breathes and curse myself for being such a fucking groupie
moron. He’s a fucking actor for God’s sake I remind myself. He’s only
acting on a fucking television show that if you broke it down to its essence, is
seemingly impossible, but that’s the beauty of television; for that one hour
you allow yourself to take that leap of faith and go along for the ride.
Trying
to put myself in the mind of Jack Bauer/Kiefer Sutherland I figured writing down
my questions would annoy him so I memorized everything and would use a
mini-recorder to do the interview. “How does it make you feel to know that
everyday the safety of the world is in your hands and if you fuck up then
we’re all screwed?” I thought this was a good a place as any to start with
the interview since it’s the basis for the show. Jack fucks up-you die. Jack
saves the world-roll the fucking credits and everyone rides off into the cowboy
sunset until next season where a fresh new set of terrorists have world
domination in the hearts.
“Yeah,
it’s fucking wonderful. I hardly sleep, haven’t seen a damn movie in years,
I can only do quickies because I always have all these ugly faces of terrorists
on my mind, and my phone is always ringing about some goddamn terrorist cell
sneaking into the country. It’s a stressful life, my friend.” He pulls out
another cigarette, lights it in one motion while temporarily taking his hands
off the wheel leaving the Jeep on autopilot. A normal reaction would be
fear at being in a vehicle temporarily driving itself, but this is Jack Bauer
and there’s no safer place in the world than being in the seat right next to
him. We’re somewhere in downtown Los Angeles at 4 am and it’s just a blur of
buildings and street lights as we weave through streets and alleys that Jack
knows like the back of his hand. The streets are deserted sans a few stragglers
who seem harmless at best, but in the world of super agent Jack Bauer everyone
is a suspect. The Jeep is careening through the streets of LA, and I’m
watching Jack from the corner of my left eye as he mentally notes everything for
future use. Who knows what seemingly inconsequential detail could help avert
world domination in the future which in the world of “24” is in a few
minutes.
“You
mentioned earlier about your phone always ringing. Who’s your service provider
because in five years you’ve never dropped a single call and your battery has
never died. How do you it, Mr. Bauer?”
“Listen,
asshole, don’t call me Mr. Bauer. The name is Jack.”
“Does
anyone call you Kiefer?”
“Who
the fuck is Kiefer? Just call me Jack or I will put a bullet in your ass, cut
your head off or hurt you in some Baueresque way.”
“Wow.
Baueresque? But seriously Jack, will you and Chloe ever hook up? We all think
she has the hots for you and let’s face it you do need to decompress.”
“You
need to get a fucking life and stop worrying about my personal life, my friend. Audrey
and we’re doing just fine.” I make a mental note to myself that Jack seemed
to enjoying saying ‘my friend’ a lot. It didn’t sound insincere, but he
was a hard man to read. Up ahead was the evil empire, Starbucks, left free to
run amuck in the world, it’s the drug of choice for a hopped up nation of
caffeine addicts.
“Heh,
do you mind pulling into that Starbucks coming up? I’d like to order a Grande
Guatemala
“Jack,
do you mind answering a few silly questions some of our readers wanted to ask? What
do you like to eat? We’ve never seen you eat on the show because you’re
always on the run. When was the last time you took a vacation, you know, to
relax? And one of our female readers wanted to know, boxers or briefs?”
“
Don’t know if you’re fruity or one of those homosexuals, not that there’s
anything wrong with that,” a barely noticeable grin streaks past his face at
his Seinfeld reference,” but tell your readers that’s none of their fucking
business what I wear. My only job is to save the world not give fucking updates
on my underwear habits. Jeez, what’s happening to this fucking country this
morbid fascination with other people’s lives? What do I eat? I eat food
that’s what I goddamn eat.”
His
cell phone rings and I know immediately it’s Chloe. Jack screams at her to get
him what he needs, and I can hear Chloe’s distorted voice yelling back.
She’s the only one who seems to have enough guts to talk back to him. He calms
down, thanks her and says he will call her back in a few minutes. After he
hangs up he doesn’t break character for a second.
“You’re
always in character even when there’s no filming. Who taught you that
technique?”
“
Character? Listen pal, I’m about to go undercover and put my life at risk for
my country and President. This isn’t a game or some sort of contrived
television show with fake terrorists. This is real life with real consequences.
If I don’t stop this attack millions of people could die. (He takes a
look at his watch). Your time is almost up. I’ve had just about enough of your
bullshit.”
“Kiefer
do you really that you’re Jack Bauer? Man, do you realize that you’re just
playing Jack Bauer and the shit you do on television wouldn’t work in real
life? Someone would’ve definitely assassinated your ass by now. No man is that
lucky. To go through what you do every year and somehow survive. You have
more lives than a cat.”
“That’s
not luck my friend. I was trained by the best and it allows me to
outmaneuver anyone on the face of the earth. That my friend, is called
skill,” and for brief moment he allows himself to bask in his usually
self-contained arrogance. The vehicle rolls up to a red stoplight casting an
eerie glow against his pale skin that, frankly, is quite frightening. He turns
to me and says,” Don’t call me Kiefer anymore. You’ve been warned, my
friend.” His phone rings again and it’s Chloe feeding him the
information he requested. A quick thank you and he’s off the phone. An almost
physical change comes over him as he enters the necessary frame of mind needed
to battle the evildoers of the world. My time is almost up.
“Listen,
Kie-, I mean Jack, on behalf of the country, I just want to thank you for all
that you’ve done and your willingness to put your life on the line for people
you will never know. It’s truly beyond the call of duty to ask one man to give
up so much as you have done so unselfishly. You are a true patriot. President
Palmer recognizes this as do all of us.”
He
stares ahead stone faced and I’m not even sure if he heard me sucking up to
him, but then he turns and looks me in the eye, “You’re Welcome.” I’ve
been Bauerized. The Jeep pulls up to a nameless street corner to let me out. We
shake hands, I wish him God speed and he drives off quickly, disappearing into
the night. For a moment, I stand there stunned at just how surreal the last hour
has been for me. The air around me feels charged with electricity and I want to
do my part with the war on terrorism by going out there and kicking some ass,
but as Jack so aptly told me, that it is best to leave it to the professionals.
Be safe, my friend.
Dean
Jean-Pierre
Copyright
© www.deanthepoet.com
Never
seen jack eat
His
phone never dies
Never
cracked a joke or laughed (not good for your heart, season#3)